A friend told me I needed to update my blog. I explained to him that I had been struggling with depression and feeling like I had nothing to write about. However, I told him I would post something by the end of the week. So here is that post.....two months later....
Since finishing the trail, I’ve been fighting off depression with varying degrees of success. Some days I am motivated, energetic, and on the upswing of settling into this new life style. Other days I try my hardest to motivate myself giving positive self-talk, but I remain deeply sad and unwilling to actively participate in life. There are have been numerous times where I spend hours getting myself to go workout. Good news is the good days are becoming a lot more frequent than the bad ones. That, in the end, is the goal anyway. Anyone who deals with depression knows that it isn’t something you “just get over” or “just be happy” about. It takes time and really, there will always be those days where it just takes over. And I believe that to be okay.
I had done enough research before to know that Post-Trail Depression was a very real thing. With my history of depression and seasonal depression that still plagues me from time to time, I was well aware that I would likely struggle after trail. I wasn't caught unaware as the depression hit me, but my awareness didn't stop it from coming. I didn't help myself out much by moving states and cutting me off from what I had known previous to trail. Not to say that I regret moving back up to Minnesota (except on days when its -50 windchill.....). I moved to MN so that I could spend some more time with family while I was in this stage of limbo and I wouldn't trade this time for anything! However, I lost familiarity by moving to a completely new city and put a great distance between my closest friends, mentors, and community. Everything about it has been an adjustment to say the least!
I crave fresh air like crazy. There have been times I have struggled to fall asleep on a bed in an enclosed room. Being inside for extended periods of time just about does me in. Major dilemma: I currently live in MN...where currently the temperatures are far into the negatives! Thankfully, most of the winter, I have been able to get out and go running when its at least above single digits and I almost always walk to work (except this week when its -20 something). I've always kind of been amazed how much my mood is affected by the weather, but I can't tell you how much being outside for even a 12 minute walk to work makes me more positive and happier!
I miss the trail. Trail became the place I belonged and I long to go home. Surrounded by God's creation with little man-made contraptions barging in on and overtaking the raw beauty. I miss the simplicity. Having your basic needs met. Not having any of the luxuries/excesses, yet be receiving more than you can ever imagine! The trail provided a strong routine with few choices to be made. Yet it also gave the hiker a large amount freedom in those choices.
I wrestle with the expectations of what people want my life to resemble. Most do it out of good intentions, but I have found that we, in general, want to stay in the arena of what is known and like when others do the same. We can do risky things, as long as the risk is known to us. For example, how many of you even think twice before getting in your car and driving somewhere? Or yet, placing your kids in the car to take them somewhere? Why? You are far more likely to die or be seriously injured in a car accident than if you jumped out of a plan with a parachute. I'm not saying don't drive... I'm saying that it is a known risk to us, so it doesn't scare us near as much as something that is completely unknown to us. All that to say, I've caught on to all the hints and comments different people have made to me. Whether they think its time for me to settle down, get into a career, or get married so that I stop hiking. At first the comments really irritated and hurt. Not that their words still don't irk me from time to time, but when people say things now I try to look past to what is really behind the words. They want for me the best, but it's often times the best of what they know. It's not bad, it's just not what I want. I learned a long time ago to never box God in and to be open to whatever comes. That is the most freeing place to live. It means that sometimes you are giving up financial security, a career, the "dream home,"etc. But the relationships, experiences, and personal growth you gain far out way those things. It's really funny, because when I was 16 I had my life pretty much planned out. I was in my first year of college. I planned to get my degree in Accounting, find a cubicle job (will little people interaction), have an apartment by myself, and never move away from home. Yah, those who have known me all these years know exactly what I'm talking about. Those who have only known me the past 1-8 years are probably having a difficult time picturing me being able to tolerate such a life, much less it being my ideal life! 😂
I feel suffocated just thinking back on it now! And I'm beyond glad that my life as turned out nothing like what I wanted it to be back then. But it came from embracing the "abnormal" and choosing to open myself up to new experiences. Through it my soul has come alive. I ran across a quote shortly after returning from trail.
"Don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive." God has created us each uniquely and we shouldn't let what makes us different go to waste.
Anyway, to bring it full circle, it's been hard to know how to respond to people's expectations because I know they care for me and I care about them (and what they think). Honestly, I still don't really know what the best way to respond is or what I'm suppose to do with the comments. However, I do know that God is my ultimate guide and whatever my life choices are, it is Him I will have to answer to and not my peers. I will probably always have to deal with being different and feeling like an outsider, when my decisions and pursuit of dreams that place me outside the typical. I'm okay with that if it means being who God created me to be.
This is where I have come to stand after announcing that I will be hiking the PCT less than a year after finishing the AT. I have done a great deal of processing my emotions, the future, reasonings, etc. I am working on making more plans ahead of time for life after the PCT than I did for the AT. I will be hiking the PCT with a greater purpose (most of you are well aware of this already)...raising money for Teen Challenge and bringing awareness to addictions. The PCT is a hike to honor my dad's life and his battle with addiction. God has given me the ability, time, finances, and opportunity to make it happen. I know I could be doing 100 other things, but I'm choosing to hike for myself, for my dad, and because I want to inspire others. When people look at me, I want them to see that their dreams might be big or kind of crazy, but they can achieve them with hard work. I want people to see that it doesn't taken an extraordinary person to live an extraordinary life. It simply takes an ordinary person willing to search for the ladder that will take them over the wall to reach extraordinary....because most people simply stop when they see the wall. Most of all, I want people to see that no matter what traumas, addictions, abuse, or heartaches they have gone through or are battling; there is hope. That it is possible for them to find healing and live fully alive.
Here is the link for my fundraiser, if you would like to check it out and donate!!
Hike For Addiction Recovery
Now, for those of you really concerned...does this mean I will never have a career? I have a career. It is inspiring and helping people. Does that mean I will find a job I will last years in? {shrugs} Who knows? Life changes rapidly. Although I can't picture a 20 year job coming into my life in the next year or two....that doesn't mean it won't happen. Will I ever get married? (Seriously the number of times I get asked this or receive deep concerns about....) Again {shrugs} who knows? No, I am not against marriage. Yes, I would like to get married at some point. Seriously though, it will happen when it happens. I'm not going to spend my life now pining away for something that may or may not happen. No amount of worrying, wishing, dreaming, or pining will change the future, but it will change the present...and not in a good way. It will steal away amazing moments, joys, and opportunities.
Well after the - possibly unwanted - glimpse into my brain the past few months, here is what I've actually been up to.
Freezing my buttocks off.....😒
Okay really...I've been working at Aldi. Which I really, really enjoy a lot! Compared to my last job....its very un-stressful! I have enjoyed learning how the store operates, getting to know my co-workers, and I'm starting to figure out the regulars.
When I'm not at Aldi, I am either at the climbing gym in the cities, playing the piano (I am loving mom's baby grand...!!), playing guitar, reading, planning for the PCT, running, or writing. I'm enjoying living only 2 hours from Morris too!
This past weekend, the entire family came to Hutchinson to celebrate our family Christmas. I loved having them all here! I hadn't seen Jeff since New Years Eve last year!
The weekend before I actually had a few hiking friends (Wild Turkey, Kidska, and Tracks) come up for a visit! Mostly to try ice fishing for the first time ever...:) It was fun to talk trail again and relive some of the memories!
The first weekend in January, I ran the Mt. Everest Challenge. Which is a Half Marathon, then a 5k, then 1800m. Race day was beautiful and 40 degrees! It was a lot of fun!:) Also...it was super cool to get four medals at the end....yep...pretty legit....
And as of two days ago, I'm only 3 months away from another incredible adventure!!!
Until next time...
