1. You must say hello before you can say goodbye. Just as we say hello to love, we must say hello to loss & grief (for you cannot have one without the other). We need to acknowledge and welcome it when it comes. Wolfelt talked about saying hello to the physical reality of death (such as seeing your loved one in an open casket), the reality of death after the funeral (allowing yourself to both grief on the inside and mourn on the outside), and to the new self you are becoming (because whenever you lose someone it is like losing a mirror, and you have to figure out who you are without that mirror). There will also be goodbyes and they will overlap with the hellos, however more hellos are needed towards the beginning and goodbyes toward the end.
2. You must make friends with the darkness before you can enter the light. Having "dark emotions:" sadness, emptiness, loss, depression, despair, shame, and fear. We shouldn't shove them away, but rather acknowledge and feel them. It is uncomfortable, hurtful, and scary. Befriend your pain, which is hard, but that is how we learn from it and are transformed by it. "When we are sad, we instinctively turn inward. We withdraw. We slow down. It's as if our soul presses the pause button and says, "Whoa, whoa, whoa. Time out. I need to acknowledge what's happened here and really consider what I want to do next.""
3. You must go backward before you can go forward. Going backward through ritual, memory, to your beginnings, to tell your story, to name your gratitude, to begin anew; so then you can move forward in grief. Death ends a life, not a relationship. It ends the physical relationship, but on an emotional and spiritual level your relationship with that person continues, because you will always have a relationship of memory.
Here is the deal; in our culture we tend to think we just need to "get over it, find closure, more on, put the past in the past." The problem is that isn't how it works. Grief is not something that you get over, it never goes away (yes, it will lessen over time...but it doesn't go away). Just as you don't simply "get over" loving someone. We expect to say all our goodbyes too soon, darkness is ok....for the first few weeks anyway...than you should probably go a doctor and get meds if your still depressed, and we are all about putting the past in the past. Just let be what is and move on. I think we do/think/say these things because grief makes us uncomfortable. We don't know what to say to someone who just lost a loved one, we suddenly forget how to act around them. We walk on egg shells not wanting to bring up anything that will remind them of their loved one or set them off into a crying fit. However, that is exactly what they need. They need to talk about that person. Just because they have died, doesn't mean they no longer exist. Allow them to grief and take their time, it isn't a 5 step process and then your done. Listen to them; show empathy and support....don't be a cheerleader....it isn't a race.
A friend of mine who lost her dad six months before I lost mine; talked about how she never thought she would have to work through or let go of things people said during the visitation/funeral. Sadly, it is true. People say cliches and platitudes that are of no help and hurtful at times. At this time I would like to introduce to you a segment Wolfelt talked a lot about. These are things people often say that they probably haven't thought through. It's called.....
True, but NOT HELPFUL:
~You had him for 50 years...
~Atleast he went quickly
~God doesn't give you anything you can't handle
~Your still young, you can remarry
~You still have your mom
~Heaven has another angel
~You will see him in Heaven someday
You get the picture. :) I am not trying to throw people under the bus and I have been guilty of saying things like that. After going through this past year, however, it has changed my perspective. The seminar gave me a lot to ponder....so I thought I would pass a few of my pondering on and let you all ponder them too. :) I mean....what is better than one pondering person? (Two) :D
Tidbits:
~Life must be lived forward, but it can only be understood backwards.
~Grief is one step forward, two steps in a circle, and one step backward.
~We must listen to the music of the past to sing in the present and dance into the future
~The only way to the other side, is through.
Here is a picture to lighten the mode a little....my roommate sent me it. I seriously die laughing every time I look at it....or randomly think of it. It is one of those helpful pics to get through hard days. Since my dad and I seemed to have pretty similar humor styles, I can't help but think he would find this as funny as I do.:)
No comments:
Post a Comment