My Brokenness

I think if I were to sum up my thoughts on how this summer went, I would say it was a struggle and I felt like I floundered through it.  These past few months have been completely wearing on me in all areas of my life and has left me drained.   Throughout this past week, a theme has started to emerge that has thrown me deep into my ponderings.....so bear with me. :)

At the beginning of summer, due to staffing and other needs, the house I was working in closed.  There were many discussions that went on and many components playing into what my role was going to look like for the time, which then continued to change.   To some of you, I don't think it would have been as hard.  However, it plunged me into the middle of my insecurities, fears, and hurts.  I was quickly drained trying to tread water to keep my head above the waves.  I spent many days in tears and went through a whole string of extreme emotions.  I felt like I was completely falling apart.  In fact I still feel completely broken; that's what hit me the other day!!  I am so broken, empty, and worn.  Without God, I can do nothing.  For example; I didn't feel like I could handle dealing with the residents anymore because I had nothing left to give.  The thing is I never could handle the residents....it has always been God working through me; being filled up with Him so that His love could be poured out to the kids.  What changed was that I wasn't being filled up with God; I wasn't allowing God to work through me.  From here the "theme" of the past few months emerged: Brokenness.  My own brokenness and sinfulness.  When it became abundantly clear that I was failing miserably, I realized just how much I truly need God.  A friend told me towards the beginning of summer that maybe this was God's way of teaching me to trust Him more and rely on Him over trying to handle it myself.  I do think that ended up being the case, however He used a slightly different tactic this time.  Rather than show/teach me who He was and that He can be trusted, He showed me who I was.  Seeing myself for who I am, gives me a deeper and stronger love for God and what He did/does for me!!! I recognize that I cannot be trust myself; that I can't just "do it on my own."  I can't...I need God.

For the past week I have listened to these three songs on repeat.  They are all three by Ryan Proudfoot....you should check out his music!:)

I Need You Now 

In my brokenness You find me

When my hope seems lost You remind me

That you're near to my heart, holding me close

I need You now, I need You now

I need You like never before (2x)

In my emptiness You find me

When my joy seems lost You remind me

That you're near to my heart, holding me close

When my heart is breaking

When my joy is fading

God you've never left me

You're holding me close

Holding me close

A Man Named Job 

Once was a man with all the possessions that this world could hold,

The Father's riches seemed to overflow but all he wanted was You.

A blameless man who feared God turned away from evil,

The greatest man this land had ever known, but all he wanted was You.

Yeah, just You. Just You.

The servants come one by one to tell him all the news,

That everything has been lost, there's nothing left to you.

Knees to the ground, he rips his shirt and starts to shave his head.

Looks to the sky and then somehow he says 

"All I need is You!"

Then boils come one by one, he's covered head to toe.

Among the ashes, still somehow he knows all I need is You.

"Curse God and die!" So she says but does she really know?

That shall we take good from God and not evil.

Not evil, from you.

His friends, they travel for days to give him counsel now.

But they don't know what to say, they only tear him down.

He starts to question their ways, it seems they've led him wrong.

But then he starts to complain, that's when we hear the sound.

"A voice that comes from the wind is here to question you

And since you've tried to contend, I hope you hear the truth

That all the wind, stars, and skies

The raising seas, the waters rise

You can't deny that I'm the one all this has come through

Cause I'll always be and I've always been

Wherever you've gone, I've been with you then.

Humble your heart, fall on your knees, 

Trust in my ways when still you can't see."

When I can't see, I trust You.

This man we know named as Job, he falls unto the ground,

Covers his hand to his mouth so words won't utter out

"My God, Your wonderful ways, no man can understand,

So now I'll give You my days, cause all I need is You.

Change Me

Walking down a lonely road,

Feeling lost and so alone.

I need to know Your here with me.

Feeling like I've fallen to far,

To know that I am in Your arms.

I know You feel my pain.

And oh, I need to know

Won't You change me, rearrange me.

You come and pick me up,

Overwhelming me with Your love.

Draw me closer to Your heart.

Only You, can draw me closer to Your heart.

And I'll taste it, and I've seen it, I believe it

You can change me, rearrange me.

Won't You change me, rearrange me.

Oh God I love what You do

Your love is making me new.

You have changed me, rearranged me.

Sunset on my way home from work one evening

How I made it through summer;)

 My mom came out for a week and volunteered!!  I loved having her out and we got to do some painting together!:)

We mostly painted one of the houseparent apartments...but we did get to do some decorative painting in my bathroom at work!!

Made Creme Brûlée with some friends!

Went to the Ethiopian restaurant in Fort Wayne...it was quite delicious...

Some of the houseparent kids started up a lemonade stand on the circle drive:)

Some of my residents think I am weird....I don't know why though.  All I said was: "What Mountain Dew you want to climb?"  "Lets go climb Mountain Dew!"

Yikealo came out to Leo for a visit a couple weekends ago!!

A couple of my recent drawings...

Well that is all folks....!  School is now back in session which makes summer officially over!  The Gateway auction was this past Saturday, and we raised over a half of million!!!!  Praise & thanks to God for His provision!! Also, huge thanks to all of you who volunteered throughout the summer & auction week, those who donated items to the auction, & those who donated money.  We need all of you to make the work here possible!! THANK YOU!

I will leave you will a prayer that was in my devotions recently...

Lord, I release the grip I have on the things that prevent me from returning Your passionate embrace. I give You all my faith, all my hope, and all my love.

I lay down my need to understand why things happen the way they do.

I lay down my fears about others walking away and taking their love with them.

I lay down my desire to prove my worth.

I lay down my resistance to fully trust Your thoughts, Your ways, and Your plans, Lord.

I lay down being so self-consumed in an attempt to protect myself.

I lay down my anger, unforgiveness, and stubborn ways that beg me to build walls when I sense hints of rejection.

I lay all these things down and ask that Your holy fire consume them until they become weightless ashes.  And as I walk away, my soul feels safe.  Held.  And truly free to finally be me. - Amen