Reflections

Listen in silence because if your heart is full of other things, you cannot hear the voice of God.

-Mother Teresa

The past few weeks I have spent a lot of time in reflection. Thinking back to each of my role models, influencers, mentors, friends, and family members. Thinking through those life circumstances that came my way, with or without my permission, that profoundly impacted me. Those things that either harshly and gently formed my character. I really am blown away by the Father's great love for me and His deep desire to raise me to thrive as His daughter. And I am deeply thankful for all those moments.. from my deepest hurt to the highest mountain (which would actually be Mount Whitney...for now...😜hehe) and for all the individuals who are forever a part of me. All these reflections kind of came together as we crossed the 5 year anniversary of my dad's death on January 29th. 

It's hard to describe how I feel about it, because honestly there are so many different feels. It doesn't seem that long ago that I got the call, my body can still physically feel my reaction even five years later. It's also been so long ago...he's already missed a son's wedding, the birth of two of his grandchildren, the many different moves and life changes each of his kids (and wife) have gone through. I wouldn't wish him back to this life that he struggled so fiercely with, yet I wish he could here still experiencing life alongside his family. It isn't that I have forgotten all the pain he caused or that I have fantasized what life was like with him. But the thing is, that while he was alive, I dreamed of him becoming the dad I always wanted and knew he could be. I hoped that we could one day have a strong, healthy relationship. That I could go to him to just talk about life, to get his advice, to laugh together for the tenth time over a joke that nobody else found that funny. Since I was a little girl, I had dreamed of dancing with him, of the day he would walk me down the aisle, and to hear him say "I am so proud of you, Alyssa Mae." {No...I am not crying as I write this....ok, that's a lie...😬} But death came like a brick chucked through a window. Suddenly, without warning, shattering my dreams and sending the tiny shards flying throughout my heart and into all the nooks and crannies. Sometimes I find myself grieving my broken hopes and dreams with my dad just as much as I grieve his life as it was.

The truth is I never want to go back and relive those days. They had a lot of good memories, but they are also filled with so much pain and heartache. I wish nobody would ever have to go through anything like it. And if I had been given the choice beforehand, I would have likely chosen a different path. But if God gave me the option now to go back and change my past, it's an opportunity I would 100% pass up. It's so much a part of who I am today. God has brought and continues to bring so much beauty out of those dark times, that I wouldn't trade it for anything. My past hurts are now my treasured stones. I am still a very flawed individual, still faced with some affects of those hurts, still broken over what was lost. But the more I learn, grow, and heal; the more beautiful and precious those stones become. The legacy dad passed down to me looked pretty broken and ugly, but by God's grace and power He has transformed it and has now entrusted me with a powerful legacy to pass onto others.

Here is the picture I was going to post on the 29th. I just couldn't get myself to do it because I didn't want to receive sympathy for myself, but rather I wanted people to see it, remember him, and celebrate his incredible redemption.